My youngest found some photo books with pictures of our family from before he was born. He was quite forlorn to see his brothers having fun without him.
“What are they doing?”
“Playing pass the parcel.”
“Noooooo! I want to play pass the parcel!”
I found it funny that having lived for a very short time and missed out on millennia of exciting human history, he was so distressed about missing out on a party game.
But I also felt quite convicted because he had so beautifully demonstrated something I definitely relate to: fomo.
Fomo (fear of missing out) has been defined as “pervasive apprehension that others might be having rewarding experiences from which one is absent.” As in, “Look, all my friends are doing something fun and have posted about it on social media and now I feel rubbish that I’m not doing it.” It’s a really big thing.
I’m a teacher so I love a good acronym. (Just FYI, from now on NQTs, and RQTs will now be called ECTs, which has just about blown my mind.) Also, once, my husband excused himself from the dining table because he’s DSL and there was an emergency CP issue (designated safeguarding lead, child protection) and the boys were like, “What?” and I found it most pleasing that we had an impenetrable secret code, unlike our previous attempts to speak in French when we didn’t want the boys to follow, and so we had a three year old who had worked out that a “piscine” was a swimming pool. I digress…
Fomo: it's unavoidable, isn't it?
We read in the Bible that Paul wrote to the church at Phillipi that he had “learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
How inspirational to be so rooted in God that you can be content whatever the circumstances (and Paul had some extremely awful circumstances). Me, I struggle with not doing everything at school, not doing all the amazing things the other mums are doing (see https://sarahhadfi.wixsite.com/website/post/on-wise-words-from-a-welsh-woman) and I feel insecure whenever I see my school friends post a photo of a night out.
I was recently back in my home town for a wedding of a dear school friend. It was her fourth attempt at holding this wedding, poor thing, and only one postponement was pandemic-related. So there was plenty of build-up (like a 15 month lull between hen do and wedding day, where we all held our breath for her, and then even on the day it turned out the hotel had had a flood, which could have been the end of it all over again – lol!)
The girls I went to school with have quite a special set-up in that a bunch of them stayed local and remained close friends (whilst I disappeared off three hours away and didn’t go back, and married and reproduced relatively early, which kind of restricts socialising ability.) So I was excited and nervous about seeing them all again.
The other exciting thing about this wedding was that it was an adult-only wedding, so with the boys safely in Granny’s care, my husband and I had a child-free day AND A NIGHT as we opted to stay over in the HOTEL, which is a big deal in itself as it hasn’t happened in nearly eight years (we’re caravanners). I was in eager anticipation of romance, robes, tiny toiletries, and a buffet breakfast.
The experience didn’t disappoint (well, no robe, but otherwise…). We had a lovely time. I was so happy to see the girls from school, especially, of course, the bride looking so beautiful and having a really special (and long-awaited!) day.
But, helpfully, the day kind of killed off some of my fomo issues.
Hotels are nice and everything, but a bed is just a bed afterall (even if this one was a four-poster) and actually to be fair our caravan bed is pretty comfy and the blackout blinds are amazing. Caravanning is also very economical and flexible for families, where as a hotel stay is necessarily a rare treat. So if it’s another eight years before we stay in a hotel again, I hope I’m not yearning away, but instead being content in our cosy little set-up in our travelling home. And whilst it was pretty exciting to be able to wake up in our own time and not have the boys to worry about, actually, I really quite like our children (!) and enjoy their company, and they are getting much better at letting me lie-in in the mornings on non-school days, so a child-free night is perhaps not really worth coveting after either (but major thanks to my wonderful mum, of course, for facilitating the big treat of a child-free night.)
And the girls from school – how great to see them again and hear about their lives and their lockdown experiences! It was so fun to be dancing to the songs we used to in the 90s – really like being back at a school disco! But back home again now, as I meet up with friends local to our old house, and meet new people from the new church we’re just starting at, I’ve been reflecting on how God has given me special people in the different seasons and locations of my life, and yes, there is something unique about your connection with people who have known you since childhood, but there is also an important bond with friends at university, or those who have known you through the child-rearing years, and no doubt I’ll look back on the new friendships I’m starting to make in our new environment as being significant in different ways. So I want to be thankful and content with the relationships I’m in now and not tie myself up in knots over the groups I’m no longer really part of.
My other related and ongoing struggle is fonmtmoi (fear of not making the most of it - I made this one up!). Take home-schooling, for example. I really wanted to have a good go at it; I knew it would be a special experience for a limited time, and so I wanted to squeeze every last bit of juice out of it. Which is a lot of pressure for everyone involved. Or even in the summer holidays, which is meant to be a time to relax, for goodness' sake, I want to see how many memories we can make, how much we can be away in the caravan, how many playdates and sleepovers we can fit in. And yes, I clearly need to relearn that lesson about the importance of downtime and respecting people’s needs (see https://sarahhadfi.wixsite.com/website/post/on-balancing-needs).
So, is there any hope of some kind of antidote to my fomo and fonmtmoi problems, beyond a bit of counting my blessings? I think fundamentally, I need to remember that ydolo (you don’t only live once - I made that one up too). I need to hold onto the fact that the good things I experience (or miss!) in this life are only a foretaste of the eternal glory ahead. A party I don't get to go to is a shadow of eternal heavenly celebrations. It puts things into perspective.
In the same letter to the church in Phillipi, Paul wrote that, “to live is Christ, to die is gain.” Ultimately, the purpose of my life right now is not to fill me up with happiness and positive experiences, it is to live a life which honours God, which may or may not include nice nights in hotels. And at the end of this life, I get to look forward to relationships and experiences beyond my current imagining. So it kind of takes the pressure of getting it all in before it’s too late, ticking things off the bucket list, or keeping up with the Joneses.
But I'll admit spending less time on Facebook would probably help too.
TTFN.
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